What I learned during Lent - Part I

I asked for guidance through experience and reflection this past Lent and my prayer was answered. I wasn't sure how to start writing about it but then, after a six week hiatus from blogging, I started visiting around again and catching up with friends. I visited Pam at Textilosophy and discovered Theme Thursday and it's current theme of BOXES. All the answers fell in place and I started to explore the idea of mental boxes.

After reflecting for weeks on how I see people, I had found the perfect image to work with, a box. But to get there, first I must share a story. Monday night is our weekly gathering with members of our local group of School of Community. SOC, one of the highlights of my week, has become so important to me that I even attend when Don cannot make it. Since I don't like driving at night alone, this is saying a lot. This particular evening, Don was with me. Only three of us were there that night, Don, myself, and Patrick, the Responsible for our community.

My intention for Lent was to read devotionals, pray and reflect, and not blog. No blogging cleared a big space within me to fill with some lessons. Of course this was the season I would fall sick, sicker than I had been in years. But the encounter I write of here had already happened and in acknowledging my personal failure, I had a lot of time to reflect. Two months after the event, I'm still reflecting.

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There was a tapping at the window that looked out on the parking lot at St. Joseph's Church. A woman was tapping for our attention and Patrick seemed to recognize her as he waved her around to the outside entrance to get into the building. In moments she joined us, rushed, presentable, and, I thought, a CL member I had not met yet who was arriving late. But then she started to speak and instantly my walls went up. My box was instantly set into place.

In a matter of a split second I knew we were being scammed for money with all the usual characters and circumstances in place - hospital, sick relative, money needed for transportation home (Stockton), $20 would do. The thing that made this experience different was her clean and pulled together appearance, the time of day (after dark) and Patrick seemed to know her. Don was his usual quiet self and I went quiet and watchful. How was Patrick going to handle this?

Patrick acknowledged her with dignity and indicated that he recalled her in similar straits in Stockton. She slipped right into this scenario and her story continued to unfold. Patrick wished her well and handed her a couple of dollars. Neither Don nor I were carrying cash so that particular cupboard was bare for her.

Patrick continued where we left off in our discussion and I followed his lead and did not say a word. But, after she left, I was seething. My torrent of negative feelings had not built to cyclone proportions but I sure was on my way. In time, though, the feelings settled but in between I made some discoveries about myself, not all of them pretty but certainly human.

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It is probable that the majority of us humans harbor negative feelings that we don't want to expose to others. After all, exposure tells people what our flaws are; we may not be as worthy of the good opinions of others as we might hope. Conflicted feelings can only arise from this and if we can't be honest with ourselves, how can we be truly honest with others. On the other hand, confessing "all" puts us in danger of being too hard on ourselves and not seeing ourselves clearly at all. Nor would we be able to see our true strengths and weaknesses.

Our human failure of judging those we believe are scamming us, disrupting our bit of life in that moment, making us feel guilty when we say "no" comes in direct conflict with God's gift of Love/Charity that He gives to us so freely and abundantly. This conflict became very clear to me during Lent. This woman wasn't someone standing on a corner with a sign, begging. She was a woman who dropped into our CL moment, our discussion of God's desires for us and I did nothing in the immediate afterwards but struggle with anger, resentment, and astonishment. Did she really think she was fooling us? Did she even care? How many times was her brazenness rewarded just so she could be gotten rid of?

I struggle with lack of love/charity, not all the time but enough so that when my own private thoughts picked at my conscience, I cannot let it go. Lent was my time for self-examination and here was the test of that resolve. Could I look at it clearly and then expose one of my dark secrets, trusting that I would still be considered a valuable person? Can I be like God and be mindful of man as He is mindful of us? (Ps 8:4)

This question led me to an exercise of viewing people without being distracted by appearances or circumstances. I'll talk about that is Part II of What I learned during Lent.