Grace

This isn't really a haiku, my der Haiku Friends, but it was something that needed to be shared.  Please pray for my personal intention this week.  Much sorrow in my heart for two people I love very much.
Thank you.

Ponderings

Early, early morning at La Mo Cafe waiting for Seb.  Rain threatens, yet again.  How quickly we go from begging for rain to wanting a break.  Just another illustration of our overwhelming desire for balance in our lives.

Where is the springtime of hope?

There is always a book close at hand in our home.  One in particular that I pick up from time to time is a small volume by the late Fr. Benedict J. Groeschel, C.F.R. entitled “The Cross at Ground Zero”.  

Recently I read the letter,below that I found in the Appendix of Fr. Groeschel's book.  As I moved to sadness at how much farther down the road to calamity we are in our world.  It has been just under 15 years since 9/11.  Life has gone on for most of us and for many it has not been for the better.

ADDRESS OF THE HOLY FATHER
TO THE NEW AMBASSADOR
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
TO THE HOLY SEE*

Thursday, 13 September 2001

Mr. Ambassador,

I am pleased to accept the Letters of Credence appointing you Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary of the United States of America to the Holy See. You are beginning your mission at a moment of immense tragedy for your country. At this time of national mourning for the victims of the terrorist attacks on Washington and New York, I wish to assure you personally of my profound participation in the grief of the American people and of my heartfelt prayers for the President and the civil authorities, for all involved in the rescue operations and in helping the survivors, and in a special way for the victims and their families. I pray that this inhuman act will awaken in the hearts of all the world’s peoples a firm resolve to reject the ways of violence, to combat everything that sows hatred and division within the human family, and to work for the dawn of a new era of international cooperation inspired by the highest ideals of solidarity, justice and peace.

In my recent meeting with President Bush I emphasized my deep esteem for the rich patrimony of human, religious and moral values which have historically shaped the American character. I expressed the conviction that America’s continued moral leadership in the world depends on her fidelity to her founding principles. Underlying your nation’s commitment to freedom, self-determination and equal opportunity are universal truths inherited from its religious roots. From these spring respect for the sanctity of life and the dignity of each human person made in the image and likeness of the Creator; shared responsibility for the common good; concern for the education of young people and for the future of society; and the need for wise stewardship of the natural resources so freely bestowed by a bounteous God. In facing the challenges of the future, America is called to cherish and live out the deepest values of her national heritage: solidarity and cooperation between peoples; respect for human rights; the justice that is the indispensable condition for authentic freedom and lasting peace.

In the century now opening before us, humanity has the opportunity to make great strides against some of its traditional enemies: poverty, disease, violence. As I said at the United Nations in 1995, it is within our grasp to see that a century of tears, the 20th century, is followed in the 21st century by a "springtime of the human spirit". The possibilities before the human family are immense, although they are not always apparent in a world in which too many of our brothers and sisters are suffering from hunger, malnutrition and the lack of access to medical care and to education, or are burdened by unjust government, armed conflict, forced displacement and new forms of human bondage. In seizing the available opportunities, both vision and generosity are necessary, especially on the part of those who have been blessed with freedom, wealth and an abundance of resources. The urgent ethical issues raised by the division between those who benefit from the globalization of the world economy and those who are excluded from those benefits call for new and creative responses on the part of the whole international community. Here I would emphasize again what I said in my recent meeting with President Bush, that the revolution of freedom in the world must be completed by a "revolution of opportunity" which will enable all the members of the human family to enjoy a dignified existence and to share in the benefits of a truly global development.

In this context, I cannot but mention, among so many disturbing situations throughout the world, the tragic violence which continues to affect the Middle East and which seriously jeopardizes the peace process begun in Madrid. Thanks also to the commitment of the United States, that process had given rise to hope in the hearts of all those who look to the Holy Land as a unique place of encounter and prayer between peoples. I am certain that your country will not hesitate to promote a realistic dialogue which will enable the parties involved to achieve security, justice and peace, in full respect for human rights and international law.

Mr. Ambassador, the vision and the moral strength which America is being challenged to exercise at the beginning of a new century and in a rapidly changing world call for an acknowledgment of the spiritual roots of the crisis which the Western democracies are experiencing, a crisis characterized by the advance of a materialistic, utilitarian and ultimately dehumanized world view which is tragically detached from the moral foundations of Western civilization. In order to survive and prosper, democracy and its accompanying economic and political structures must be directed by a vision whose core is the God-given dignity and inalienable rights of every human being, from the moment of conception until natural death. When some lives, including those of the unborn, are subjected to the personal choices of others, no other value or right will long be guaranteed, and society will inevitably be governed by special interests and convenience. Freedom cannot be sustained in a cultural climate that measures human dignity in strictly utilitarian terms. Never has it been more urgent to re-invigorate the moral vision and resolve essential to maintaining a just and free society.

In this context my thoughts turn to America’s young people, the hope of the nation. In my Pastoral Visits to the United States, and above all in my visit to Denver in 1993 for the celebration of World Youth Day, I was able personally to witness the reserves of generosity and good will present in the youth of your country. Young people are surely your nation’s greatest treasure. That is why they urgently need an all-round education which will enable them to reject cynicism and selfishness and to grow into their full stature as informed, wise and morally responsible members of the community. At the beginning of a new Millennium, young people must be given every opportunity to take up their role as "craftsmen of a new humanity, where brothers and sisters – members all of the same family – are able at last to live in peace" (Message for the 2001 World Day of Peace, 22).

Mr. Ambassador, as you begin your mission as your country’s representative to the Holy See, I reiterate my hope that in facing the challenges of the present and future the American people will draw upon the deep spiritual and moral resources which have inspired and guided the nation’s growth, and which remain the surest pledge of its greatness. I am confident that America’s Catholic community, which has historically played a crucial role in the education of a responsible citizenry and in the relief of the poor, the sick and the needy, will be actively present in the process of discerning the shape of your country’s future course. Upon you and your family and all the American people I cordially invoke God’s blessings of joy and peace.

---

*L'Osservatore Romano14.9.2001 p.4.

Insegnamenti di Giovanni Paolo II, vol. XXIV, 2 p.286-289.

L'Osservatore Romano. Weekly edition in English n.38 p. 1, 2.

© Copyright 2001 - Libreria Editrice Vaticana

Working at the Empire Migrant Camp - What I Believe

Since early June, Don and I have been teaching English as a Second Language at the migrant camp not too far from us.  The workers come up from Mexico as part of a worker program.  They also come from Texas and Southern California.  They are contracted to work with local growers and canneries from June through October.  Many of the families have been doing this work for generations and the children grow up fluent in English and Spanish depending on how much time they are in the school system here as well as the amount of English  they have an opportunity to study in Mexico.

Getting to know these men and women has been a fascinating and humbling experience.  I have never met such hard-working people.  Their motivation is phenomenal and their children often gain a level of education and work that their parents did and do not have.  Most of them come from small towns where the men work and the women work in the home.  Yes, some women work but for the most part, they are housewives, rearing the children.  And, the reality is that there is not much work for these women.  The small towns don't offer much work opportunity and even the simplest things that we take for granted, are missing in their world.

One of the towns is basically made up of ten homes.  It's rural in the extreme, dedicated to ranching or farming.  There is no telephone system for landlines.  People do have cell phones but not the internet.  There might be libraries in the larger towns, but life really is just slower and less complicated.  Whatever problems they have, are problems of survival.

In contrast, problems in our society are complicated and brought on by a too high pressure and fast pace life. We want too much, are pushed to acquire more.  Success is measured by the school you get into, where you started out from, your color, religion, gender, politics, ad nauseam.   Problems come from our lack of a real connection to each other and a loss of faith and the absence of a universal understanding of virtue and values.  We are driven by labels, the most current electronics, or the style we project.  And our style isn't just our appearance; it is also the style of the dwelling we live in and perhaps even its location.

Clearly, we are driven by what is commercial and material and acquisitive.  The problems we gain are
tremendous pressure and mental instability.  By contrast, the simplicity of our students' lives is more about making do, using everything, and surviving physically.  The things they have to worry about are more about working and staying out of the way of dangerous people.

 Their belief in and awareness of the reality of evil vs. good is much sharper and more tuned into their daily lives compared to any level of acknowledgement of the existence of evil in our society.  Oh, yes.  We SAY something is evil.  We recognize that something is bad, but we have a strong tendency, these days, to explain it, excuse it, blame it on something else instead of acknowledging its existence. Even the word, sin, is avoided even though old fashion sin is at the root of much of our social ills.   And, there?  If something is bad, it's bad.  The sureness of the reality of evil, of the consequences of sin, are close to the bone.

I don't speak of this as a judgement on any of us. And I certainly don't mean to portray the people we've worked with as noble.  They are just ordinary, hardworking people like most of us.  I simply have come to notice that the things that bother me, cause me so much anguish that I'm forced to retreat and write it out to release it, would not exist if information wasn't so quickly available.  Anyone can say anything and there will almost instantly be acolytes out there following that particular siren call and believe it is absolute truth.  And truth, real truth, is darn hard to find because everything is relative these days and finding a truth based on a belief in God is almost obsolete thanks to special interest groups and court rulings and self-serving laws.

So, we have come to the end of teaching the ESL class for this season.  I think Sr. Edith has a plan and this won't be the end of it.  There are events coming up that we will most certainly attend and Don already is on Sister's radar for something else.  And as any self-respecting Catholic will tell you when a nun has a plan, the plan goes forward  After all, their entire life is a mission.  Something as simple as a "no" never stopped a nun from accomplishing her task.  And, me?  Well, I'm remotivated to get back to learning Spanish again.  I have Adrian (my son in law) and Yolanda (my sister in law) to help there.  And Adrian's family.  Spanish conversation is going to become a much more enhanced part of my life and by next summer, my students will be very surprised at my improvement.  They may laugh and me and rib me for my pronunciation, but they will also be very proud of me as I am very proud of THEM.

Haiku My Heart - Friendship

The need for friendship is universal.  We all need to know that we are in communion with another, that we are not isolated.  Some find that communion in an intense relationship with God and in His service.  Others find it in the value of friendships that are more human than sublime.  And others, still, find it in the love of God and how that love opens us to human friendship. 

This week, after a few weeks of feeling isolated, disconnected with God, and deeply sad and overwhelmed by the world around me, I re-surfaced.  First I grabbed onto (finally) God's hand, which is always there waiting for me.  Then God gave me a little shake and I reconnected with three women who are always present in my life, if not present in my day to day life.  

I grew up with the desire for day to day friendship.  Very likely, that was because day to day friendship that continues down through the years, was absent from my life.  Moving around a lot was the big contributing factor.  My life finally settled in my teen years and it is a truism that settling at 13/14 years of age into a circle of friends keeps you an outsider at best.  

Unless you have something that makes you uniquely outstanding, something that makes everyone want you in THEIR circle of friends, even though you are new to the crowd, you will always be on the outside.  The distance depends on the individual and my outsideness (how's that for a word?) was far enough out that the circle of friends didn't last once high school was over and we were thrown into the world.

Fifty years have passed since that final moment of childhood structure and I've learned a few things along the way.  One of the best things is that friends made later in life are likely to be deeper and more meaningful.  They ornament and enhance what you have made of your life.  I have several ornaments - Toni, Kate, Elaine, Bev, Brenda, Marie, Michele, Athens, Yolanda, Barbara, and Biene instantly come to mind.  Then there are the so many others that I've met through blogging and Facebook and parish work.  As I think about all these people, I realise that I am truly rich in friendship and if I tried to list all of them, I would surely miss someone so, I'll stop where I'm at.

Three of my ornaments are above - Athens, Brenda (bottom left) and Sr. Agnes.  They each sparkle and add zest to my life.  They each have something that is uniquely compelling and attractive and I'm grateful that they are in my life.

Athens

Spartan woman. Strong.

Warrior and survivor

Tiger lily bloom

Brenda

Patient endurance

Adventuring traveler 

Graceful Queen Anne's Lace

Sr. Agnes

Christian safe haven 

Love exhausted and refilled

Flower of Baghdad

Poems of Protest #3

Materialism! god of questing hearts of coal
Charity of self
Sacrificial altar of blood
A table - unclean

Scream's silent anguish
Inescapable fate.

No wisdom here
No breath of life
No words ever to be spoken
Gifts lost to the world

Lust for gain
No love for me

The stink of your quest hangs,
a pall of fog just out of reach.
Beware. The shadow of red eyes
waits for you, just out of sight.

A Few Things

When I left Facebook during Lent, the world was a different place.  When I returned to Facebook, I felt cleansed and refreshed.  I didn't know, yet, about the selling of baby body parts by Planned Parenthood.  I didn't know how resistant our government and mainstream media would be to acknowledging the truth and being as shocked and enraged as ordinary people such as myself.  I didn't know that our government's philosophy in our day was to kill the messenger,

I didn't know that it was okay to assist Iran with the gaining of nuclear power and that Israel was no longer our friend.  I didn't know that bringing the ratification of the treaty with Iran to the United Nations was a do-able action to avoid the treaty going before congress for ratification. I didn't know that other representatives of other countries had this sort of power over us.  Clearly, our government leader is okay with this if it gets him what he wants.

I  thought that "all lives matter".  Apparently "...lives matter" only if preceded by the word "black".
I didn't know that words of sympathy from our government leader were limited to only a few special people.  He was quick to speak up for criminals but much slower for the victims of the Charleston murders.  And he never acknowledged the beauty of the forgiveness shown by the church members themselves.

We didn't know that the flag of the Army of Virginia (General Lee's battle flag) would be hijacked by racists.  I didn't know how many people misunderstood the history of the flag, what it represented then and the real reasons for our civil war. Reader, did you know that New England was seriously considering seceding from the Union and for the same reasons?  The only reason they didn't was because the South did it first.  Slavery was not a central reason.  If that were so, Maryland, a slave state, would not have fought with the North.

 But now it's been called a symbol of racism and used by the KKK and other white supremacists.  Well, the KKK also uses the Christian cross as one of it's symbols.  So far, only atheists have called for the removal of the cross.  But this is our society now, so it's only a matter of time.

When I returned to Facebook after Lent, I felt cleansed and refreshed.  But now I feel dirty, polluted, tainted, infected, and corrupted.  If I could, I would go on a 30-day silent retreat.  But that isn't possible.  So I've decided to drop out for a while and concentrate on my writing and photography.

PSALM 119: 25-32

My soul lies in the dust

by your will revive me.

I declared my ways and you answered;

teach me your statutes.

Make me grasp the way of your precepts

and I will muse on your wonders.

My soul pines away with grief;

by your word raise me up.

Keep me from the way of error

and teach me your law.

I have chosen the way of truth

with your decrees before me.

I bind myself to do your will;

Lord, do not disappoint me.

I will run the way of your commands;

you give freedom to my heart.

Cosmic Weirdness

My longtime friend, Toni, lives in Long Beach and being a non-driver, she spends a lot of time on buses and the metro link. Over the years, I've been regaled with many a story of her adventures while riding public transportation. Today was no exception but this latest incident just had to be shared. I thought it was cosmically weird.

Yesterday she was passing L. A. County Superior Court when the verdict had just been read on the trial of Dr. Conrad Murray - you know - Michael Jackson's private doctor. The crowd outside the courthouse was huge, overflowing with spectators and media reps from every radio and television station in the county and not a few from outside the country as well.
As it happened, the opposite side of the boulevard was filled with OWS - LA protesters. They had their own attendant media swarm. As the bus slowly passed by these two separate but weirdly connected events, I couldn't help but shake my head in wonder as Toni told her tale. On the one hand we have the 99%'ers protesting the 1%'ers and the media recording their every move for the masses that can't seem to get enough of these people. On the other hand, colleagues from the same news agencies are across the street jockeying to be among the first to report the verdict on a man whose sole occupation in life was to server an individual who was in the highest ranks of that protested 1%.

As Toni talked about what she witnessed, she remembered that on another day and another bus ride, she was passing by the Staples Center the day of Michael Jackson's memorial services. We all remember the mob scene, the crescendo of emotion, that covered the exterior of the Staples Center. On that day, Toni observed from the quiet interior of the bus, not only the crowds of mourners but she was able to look down and gaze at Jackson's hearse as it arrived.

The odd connectedness of these events, all from the safe interior of public transportation added up, in my mind, as bus riding bookends to a great tragedy and all set to the accompaniment of shouting protesters and cheering spectators. Yes indeed, cosmically weird

Photo credit to the L.A. Times

Age over Youth

I would take age over youth any day. With a longish life behind me and hopefully much more to come, I compare the struggles of youth with the struggles of age. Youth had me up against teachers, bad employers, and terrible parents of equally terrible (and therefore unfortunate) kids. Age, in contrast, offers me relief and time to be on my own without answering to anyone. There are no grandchildren yet so I don't have to worry about society trumping the excellent guidance I know will be there for these future possibles.

Age trumps youth for me. Even in the physical world around me, I see age as the sentinel of survival and triumph over daring youth. Barns and orchards that have stood the test of time are good examples. The SEPIA barn below was new when the oldest of the fig orchard was being put in.

The curls and folds of the trunk of this 100 year old fig tree stand as evidence of the abundance of fruit that maturity brings. We should care for our 100 year old family members with such sustaining care. The fruits of their knowledge and experience have the strength and wisdom to carry us through and perhaps even avoid hard times. We have only to listen.

True, youth has its virtues. Beauty and energy are abundant in youth. But youth is fleeting and too soon, like the cotton blossom below, youth can soften and take on hard edges.

I like to think, though, that the hard edges are simply the armor that we earn as we age so that we CAN age and survive gracefully and without regrets.

Click italics for more Haiku My Heart

The struggles of youth

Contrast with age's soft laurels.

I arrive unscathed.

Postcards from Paradise - Burdens

I visited Mission San Juan Bautista last December, with my sister, when she was visiting. While walking in the garden, I saw a statue of Blessed Mother draped in Rosaries, something I had never seen before but have seen since then. I regarded her and wondered at the strength of her heart that she could so bear the prayers and pleas of so many asking for her intercession of her Son.

Since that day two of my three most heartfelt and personal prayers have been answered. Not bad for earnest prayer of the past 8 months.

The third prayer is still waiting for fulfillment. Holy Mother - if I haven't mentioned it, I beg for a happy reply for this prayer so that one, even happier, can follow it; one that I know you will understand and listen for when the time is right.

I also see, Holy Mother, that your Burden has grown since my December visit. Knowing that you hear the quietest whispered prayer as well as the most desparate cry, I wait quietly for that happy reply, a reply that I completely believe your Son will give in His own time.

“Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

Tears in Heaven - Sepia Scenes

This past week has suggested to me that waterfalls are like tears from heaven. Just as Eric Clapton gave to us this haunting refrain -

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

my thoughts have turned to waterfalls and the tragedy of a terrible fate.

This week in Yosemite, three young people were swept to their deaths in a terrible triple tragedy at Vernal Falls. Can you imagine the tears of the families? Can you? I surely can't. But today I witnessed the softening of tears, tears that are no less anguished but with the passage of time, gentled and tamed.

Vernal Falls is a young and powerful backdrop for the tears of this newly suffering family.

But the gentle fall at the Lakewood Meditation Garden holds a softer and more muted backdrop.

Here the tears in heaven are from my friend, Marie, as she visits her eldest child and only son, a child that met his birth and death on the same day in the same year.

Time mutes the pain but the love and attachment never, ever fade.

Missing You Already

I'm missing you already, old friend. We had a lot of years together. I shared countless coffees and conversations with friends under your welcoming roof. I learned to knit and crochet in your cafe. You were there when I settled on crocheting. You brought books and music into our lives and no other place in town would do.

It was impossible to enter without running into someone I knew. As a town, we were big enough to have you but small enough that we could use you as our community meeting room. I even made friends there on my regular Tuesday nights; friends whom I called my Tuesday Night at Borders friends.

There was one memorable time when my best love was so upset about something (I can't even remember why now) that I took his hand and we drove to you. An hour later, he was relaxed and not so angry and had found a good book. I got a memorable series of pictures out of that trip and a post for my blog.

Don and I visited you today to say good-bye. Visiting you was so sad. The cafe was closed. The information computers were down. The Restrooms were - closed?? How strange was that? Does no restroom equate to no lingering. I don't know but it was sad. It was as though the life had been sucked out of you. I thought I might go over again in a couple of weeks to see what was left and look for deeper discounts; I wanted to take another little piece of you home with me. But as I sit here writing this I think not. I realized that I don't want to pick over the bones of you. So - I'll say good-bye here old friend. You will be missed.

Day Interrupted

I was caught out unexpectedly today and the rhythm of my day was interrupted. Inspiration fed my morning as I matched up a commercial egg with one of the bag eggs filled with double yolks. The egg on the left is identified as a large egg in the grocery story. The egg on the right is from the double yolk bag and is substantially larger though the photo angle doesn't do the comparison justice. So far, we have cracked 11 double yolk eggs. There are four left. I sure hope we are not disappointed by any of the remaining eggs. This has been quite an experience.

Mid-morning we left for Deva's to meet with Nancy for our weekly book club meet-up for our reading of The Creature From Jekyll Island.

Later we stopped at Barnes & Noble and picked up the book I had ordered, Monastery Guest Houses of North America

.

Since we plan to do a lot of traveling, we thought we would enjoy the shelter of a quiet monastery, convent, or abbey from time to time on our journeys. There are a lot to pick from; the selections are many and the costs vary substantially. Of course, now that we are starting the planning of our countrywide travels, we have posted a huge map of the United States right by our front door so we can keep track of our travels. We have already started filling it up with past travels.

By mid-afternoon though, I was deep into a day interrupted by thoughts of the past, old wounds reopened, and indecision as to how to proceed. By the end of the day, I had reason to be thankful for an unexpected phone call from a long-time friend who helped me through the first rough patch; later another friend guided me through coconut cream pie, coffee, and wise conversation. I had a lot to think about and my gratitude for the love of friends lifted my spirits.

And what better way to end an interrupted day but then to walk from the restaurant and back to the parking lot and be greeted by a fiery setting sun?

Day interrupted

Crowded thoughts push memories

Sunset purifies

Happy Mother's Day

She's been gone since 2006. I still haven't cried. I don't think I will ever cry now. But I miss her and grieve terribly for how she died. I can only believe that God's grace was at work and her suffering here placed her immediately in God arms there.

On The Road

Don is leaving tomorrow to drive cross country with his cousin Bill. For Bill, who is a long haul trucker and 77 years old, it will be a last trip to see his family in southeastern Missouri where Don also grew up. For Don, it will be an opportunity to spend some quality time with a huge grizzly bear of a man he has known all of his life and during a 30 year period lost track of. When they remet several years ago, it was like no time had passed at all.

For me, this will be a time to reflect quietly without distraction, finish a couple of books that have taken too long for me to read, and finish (or at least make a great move forward on) painting the kitchen, a project I started over six years ago. I have time to fine tune my project "stuff" and put a final period to the end of decluttering. And best of all, I will have unlimited time to write . . . thoughtfully.

I will miss him while he is gone these two weeks but he will return better for the time away and I will have many surprises waiting for him when he returns.

Thoughts on Greed

Yunims at Restless Heart recently wrote of greed, a word I have been reflecting upon lately myself. Yunims also generously allows readers to repost anything she writes. Her post follows here, in italics. My reaction to it follows.

Sometimes I was so nervous thinking about the future of our children and grandchildren. Given this time, the natural damage so becomes. Thousands of paddy every year disappear. Thousands of hectares of forests turned into barren. Humans multiply, while the food supply is inadequate. Future generations will find so many challenges, due to our mistakes today. Indeed the earth is able to meet all human life who lived on this planet. But the earth will never be enough for a greedy! Unfortunately, human greed is not just one person. Eventually, rations for the next generation which they entrusted to us, have we robbed today. Conscious or not, we have become robbers our offspring. Stop the greed!

I read this essay with great interest as I just recently read an essay by Pope Benedict XVI on the writer, Ambrose Autpert from the early centuries of the Catholic Church (8th Century). Ambrose wrote a treatise on the combat between the vices and the virtues.

Benedict writes, "In this treatise, Autpert sets contempt for the world against greed . . . a contempt for the false vision of the world that is presented to us and suggested to us precisely by covetousness . . . It insinuates that 'having' is the supreme value of our being, of our life in the world . . . And thus it falsified the creation of the world and destroys the world."

In this treatise, and in his follow-up treatise, Autpert confirms that "In the earth's soil various sharp thorns spring from different roots; in the human heart, on the other hand, the stings of all the vices sprout from a single root, greed."

When I first read Holy Father's essay on Autpert, I was deeply moved by this section on greed. It expanded the meaning of greed for me to apply it to some specific aspects of my own life and particular behaviors. And truly, on a global basis, there can be no doubt that if we are poor stewards of our earth, we don't need to look very far to discover the root - GREED.

Common Grounds

What holds us together in our relationships with work, friends, shared interest groups? We all share commonalities with people as individuals or as groups. The most obvious group being with people you work with.

Presumably, when you work with people, you have something in common with them - the work. If you make a social connection, a friend, you have something extra. Or perhaps you are friends due to proximity. In my perfect world, prior to my retirement, I would have liked for some of these relationships to have lasted. Ten month into retirement, I accept that isn't going to happen and I find myself asking why.

It's taken me a while to discover the difference between physical and emotional connections. When I retired and decompressed for a bit, I was elated by all the time I had. I still am. The explorations, the me time, the digging in and getting rid of moments have been exhilarating. But always in the back of my mind was the emotional let down. I found myself confronting the fact that what I thought might have been genuine shared emotional connections actually wasn't so much after all.

A recent lunch with longtime friend, Biene, shed some light. We had made plans for dinner and a concert that evening but somewhere along the way I realized I didn't want to be at my old work place anymore, not even to attend a concert. I was having a hard time understanding and reconciling myself to the disconnect from that life - the emotional disconnect at any rate.

Occasional visits to the old workplace to meet up with Biene or just walk around because I happened to be on-campus, had become curiously dissatisfying. Visits with old co-workers, plans for future lunches and catching up, never came to fruition. It was disappointing but after a few overtures and what turned out to be delays and promises of calls (that never happened) I started to unravel the emotional connections. I started taking a look at what I had and started turning away from what I thought I had.

I knew it wasn't anything personal. I have more than enough self-confidence and self-esteem to be able to avoid that particular trap. But "friendship" is an ephemeral thing. What you think is yours, what you expect will continue, doesn't. When you find out, in the most unexpected way, of the death of a colleague's surviving parent, way after the fact, a sense of hurt settles in. After all, this was the parent that I heard about for years; in some ways I felt I had actually met her, I had heard so much about her life. That was when the message started arriving that life moves on.

I used to say in private conversation with Biene that I felt totally expendable, very replaceable. It was a gut feeling but it wasn't until I actually felt the knowing in my heart rather than just knowing it in my head, that I understood what that feeling really meant. It wasn't that I was undervalued; it was simply that life moves on. People adjust. They did and so did I.

We move from place to place. We start a job and then move on to another. I reflected on just how much I had actually brought forward with me. How many people did I know from high school? One, and that was thanks to Classmates.com and her finding ME. College? One. Work? One, Biene, and she was a student at the time, not anyone I ever worked with. Life simply moves on. Doors close behind us and much of what we had there is left behind.

Suddenly I found myself forging new pathways, new frontiers of my personal identity that didn't have anything to do with the past. I became more involved in church activities and political action. I became more involved with people at a level that I never did at work. Work was work. My life was my life. The two rarely met.

And it was that lack of meeting, that lack of common ground between the two parts of my life that led me to take a hard look at what I had contributed to that life.

If people weren't terribly vested in me, well, in all truth, I wasn't terribly vested in them either. I had many opportunities to involved myself in the heartbeat of my workplace and I rarely took them.

I'm not regretful of people lost along the way. They were never mine to begin with, except in the most temporary of ways. I don't miss any of the life that lives behind that closed door.

The door open before me now is filled with new people and new horizons and like this new Spring, the possibilities are starting to blossom and spread out with explosive energy.

Prayers for Japan

Every Thought

is a Prayer

Please visit Here for more prayers

gathered for Japan

Simple Abundance - Toy Boxes

Sarah Ban Breathnach talks this week about creating a toy box. While she indicates that most women she knows find it hard to play, I've never been one of them. Even if my playing has only been daydreaming or curling up with a good book, playing has never been a problem for me. I cut my teeth on daydreaming and could probably teach a graduate course on it.

In fact, I have so much play stuff, so many toys, it actually reached a point that it interfered with playtime. So, while Breathnach encourages toy collecting, I'm busy tossing them, or completing them, or giving them away.

This will all go to my sister-in-law, Yolanda. She loves scrapbooking and I'm not doing it anymore.

The bag in the lower left corner has a few things for my brother, mainly pictures from his younger days. Out my door and into his. Yolanda will love seeing these.

As I read Breathnach's entry for March 6th, I was struck by what shopping with $10 might have bought in 1995, the edition date of my book. She suggests stickers, colored paper clips, pretty pencils, whimsical erasers, a little milk jug, a string of lights, a magic wand all of which can be found at a local Five and Dime or a stationary store. Five and Dime? Are there anymore of those? Could we accomplish such a list today? And stationary stores??? Can you say Paper Habit or Hallmark? No, we probably could not accomplish any of this today unless we went to a Dollar Store and then maybe not.

I have a garage sale coming up too. Well, not MY garage sale precisely but several of us are contributing to a garage sale fundraiser and the pictures here are filled to brimming with all sorts of stuff - framed paintings, books galore, a child's wagon, a shell framed mirror, scarves, scarves, and more scarves, etc. etc. Even the empty boxes from my most recent purging binge are up for grabs. Someone is always looking for a box.

Back to that $10 . . . This got me to thinking about what $10 could buy at a grocery store back in 1969. Call me weird but I remember shopping for 2 for a week's worth of groceries all on $10 back then. And one thing that was always on the shopping list was the purchase of two Cornish game hens. They came two to a package and cost $1.98/pack. Add to that all the other usual and $10 was typical for the week. And yes, for those of you doing the math, that was only 42 years ago.

Back to playtime - I'm finding that the process of decluttering is a real art. And it's a real relief too. The more that goes, the more I can breathe. I don't suppose I'm the first person to notice the prominence of the word "breath" in Breathnach's last name. But, there it is - a constant reminder to those of us who are pursuing Simple Abundance to simply - BREATHE.

Not everything I've found in the past couple of days has been tossable or good for upcycling to a garage sale. I have found my parents' 50th anniversary gifts. They will be cleaned and repack for Krista to have someday. A jug from my maternal grandmother has surfaced. It will be cleaned, set out and displayed. Two portraits I painted of my folks resurfaced too. They will be framed. I'm ready to look at them now.

And best of all - see that tiny bit of yellow in the lower left? It's a baby sweater I started knitting several years ago. I have two more seams to sew together on it and I'm off to do that right now. I'll do show and tell tomorrow.

Exteriors

It's hard for me to look at myself in pictures - in fact, it's almost impossible. I was visiting Deb this morning at What's Deb Doing and I ran across an e-course on self-portraits.

Self-Portrait. Now there's a loaded idea. I'm always on the other side of the camera and am happy that way. There was a time when I loved laughing and posing for a camera but that changed when I put on so much weight. I will admit it; it's all about vanity and not seeing the visual of how I feel inside about myself anymore.

There's an easy solution, of course. Lose weight. But, for anyone who has been there, you'll know it's not so easy.

I've noticed in my recent blogs since the first of the year, I have sounded self-absorbed. I don't mean to but since retirement, it seems like that is what life is all about - fine tuning what is important to ME; picking and choosing what I want to have present in MY life; getting rid of "STUFF"; finding a way to make a bit of extra money - thank you eBay for the occasional sale.

Since my word for this year is FOCUS, perhaps focusing on the exterior me needs to be included in my interior studies. It's a thought I'll explore some more and what better way for a photo bug to explore their exterior face is with self-portraits - unflinching, unedited, uncensored self-portraits. Omigosh, can I do that? Can I take the bitter with the not so bitter? Can I learn to be not so hypercritical of myself and learn to love the camera again?

I have some thinking, some pondering to do on this but it occurs to me that if I can get totally comfortable in my skin, other good results can flow from that. So - today I make me a Valentine to myself and thank Deb for her inspiration and direction.